November 24, 2011

I didn't even realize today was Thanksgiving. I haven't been answering my phone, and time seems to have relatively little meaning. The days just pass one into the other.

Fortunately, the faculty cafeteria was open for everyone who didn't have any place to go today, so I was able to get some food in me, between my excursions to the library.

An upperclassman sat at my table while I was trying to shovel in dinner and get back to work. A tentative pattern was starting to emerge. I didn't recognize him at first, but after a moment I came to realize that he was another one of the orientation counselors. “Greg,” he introduced himself.

I stared at him blankly. Perhaps he recognized me from orientation and thought I could use a little pep talk, having spent Thanksgiving alone.

But he continued, “Have you gotten to the unanswerable question yet?”

My stare became distinctly less blank, more shocked, but I couldn't muster words. How long had it been since I last said anything?

“Well, I don't think you have yet. It likes to play games, but it doesn't ramp the difficulty up too high, not too quickly at least. I'm sure what you have is quite the stumper though, you look positively out of sorts.”

I finally managed to find words then, “How do I make it stop?”

He laughed. A honest to goodness belly laugh, people looked at us, before he said, “It doesn't stop. It never stops. Eventually you fail or you give up. Or you reach the unanswerable question and you can no longer fail. You can live like you are right now, or you can surrender.”

I fell silent then. Nothing to say. No more words left in me. Just a hollowness, the realization that I was running so hard and for no reason. Greg laughed again and left. I picked at my food in silence.